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maybe i'll keep this section as a journal of sorts ... i dunno ugh ... i am sick of everything and [almost] everyone. i have reverted to my 'fuck it' attitude. hey ... it works. being home all the time is driving me crazy. actually, i think it is my family ... but i've only got two more years here so i guess i'm just going to stick it out ... i figure this way they pay for my escape (college) ... where running away would just screw me over ... this way i'll get an education ... hopefully i'll get a good job ... and i'll never have to come back to scottdale ... except to visit the few cool people who live around here as far as attempting to keep a feeble grasp on my sanity, church camp is right around the corner. and church camp is good for me. very good. but once it's over i'll have to wait another year before i can go again ... oh well. for now i just leave the house as often as i can ... but the family usually follows one way or another ... for instance ... i have my own little cheering section at my softball games. yay. i don't really miss school yet ... but i would like to see some people again ... although i am enjoying not having to put up with many of the people i had to see on a daily basis. and i am getting some reading done this summer ... which, i know, sounds boring and incredibly nerdy ... tough ... i like to read and i don't get much read during the school year. so far i've finished the two towers by tolkein, and congo by crichton ... i'm currently working on burgess' a clockwork orange while i wait for my local library's copy of the return of the king by tolkein to be returned. why the hell am i putting all this on here?? i don't know. i just don't know anymore. everything has become a blur. and that's ok. i'm not sure why, but i've become ok with that. i'm giving up ... and i see this as a good thing. i'm letting go. cause everything is dragging me down. now all i need is a nice violent video game where i get to shoot things ... i think it would be therapeutic ok ... i'm gonna go for now ... i will share more later ... why i'm not having kids ... i've had this mindset for a while ... but i ran into this and it is perfect ... Think how utterly, evilly selfish it is to have a child. Think of it! "Oh, honey, wouldn't a baby just be splendid? With its little hands, and its little feet and its little arms and legs and face and smile. Oh, we have to have one." Great, and once it's done, here is another little human to have to grow and learn what a sick collection of animals it is into which he's been born; who has to learn the pointlessness of the asinine cycle of human life; the pain and unhappiness that accompany; the stupidity of the majority; the outrage of old age and death; the unfair circumstances of competition amongst organisms; the injustice of suffering, the absurdity of doctrines and ideologies; the cold blade of war; the inner demons of hunger, desire, self-loathing; who will be taught to hate and feel shame and fear and remorse, regret, guilt; who will one day suck from nonexistence another little conscious body to continue the hideous lineage of incessant dark-humor; and who will one day die, wrapped in a urine-stained, hospital-issued death-shroud, plugged into beeping, blipping machines, fed through dripping bags armed with needles and at the mercy of smart-ass little nurses, who know not yet that they, too, will be faced with this end. What more horrific and vile an act than that of having a child? There can be none. Torture is not worse, murder is not worse, nor rape or anything else, because it is birth that precludes them all. Were it not for birth, none of these other atrocities would have even a chance to be performed. It is the miracle of birth and life that drowns the light of the world, and it is that selfish obeyance of desire that is hung over the heads of all parents in the look of disgust on their disaffected teenager's face. How can one repay an infinite offense? Shane Smith why bring a soul into this world only to inflict upon it what i feel now? i am not capable of sadism to the degree that god is ... and i wonder how people can not contemplate this as they gush about wanting a large family ... my thoughts on me ...